In January 2017, I began what would become one of the hardest years of my life.
As a 33 year old teacher, I had achieved a lot. I had been a part of a management team, been given great opportunities, risen up a pay scale that enabled me to do many of the things that I wanted, made some great friends and contributed to a community that whilst being highly disadvantaged was ultimately rewarding. It sounds ideal but things just weren't right for me.
On Friday January 13th I had an incredibly bittersweet day. At around 8.05pm, my mum rang me to let me know that she had got tickets for us to see U2 in Amsterdam. For those that know me, this was a huge thing that put a beaming smile on my face. For those that don’t and hate U2….bear with me!
At around 10am I was in tears. I had had a meeting at work with members of senior management about my performance in the most torrid conditions I had ever experienced as a teacher. The school was in special measures and I was struggling to adapt to the pace of change and I was unable to second guess all the changes that were being made so rapidly.
After composing myself and seeing out the working day, I got home in complete despair and I was frantically looking for jobs…any jobs. Anything but the daily crushing blows of feeling inadequate. Whilst this sounds like a personal attack on a profession and place of work, it is not. At the time I felt bitter and angry, however I completely understood the reality of the situation. A school in special measures is just that; it’s a cruel environment. I have the utmost respect for my now ex-boss who is helping guide the school through the turbulent waters. I can’t imagine the days that he has had.
After having the following weekend to mull things over, I went to see my boss and I effectively broke down when discussing my thoughts and feeling with him. I told him everything that was on my mind. These included an array of things such work problems, things of personal upset from previous years, the inability to sleep, the fact I was probably drinking more than I should be doing and my general apathy towards life. He suggested I go to see the doctor. Again, I got through the working day – and after a couple of chats with colleagues after the bell had rung, I had a feeling my life was going to change.
The next morning, I made the mile or so walk to the doctors. In that mile my mind was in hyper drive. There were so many questions, prospected answers, quandaries and possible solutions buzzing around my brain. It was a rather strange walk. I was going to see the doctor however I felt there was nothing wrong with me. What was I going to say? What was the doctor going to ask me? How was I going to justify my trip to see him?
In a 10 minute consultation and through a barrage of questions, my doctor had signed me off from work for four weeks with Mood Adjustment. This is basically the doctoral term for anxiety, stress and depression. He gave me a prescription for some Mood Stabilisers (doctoral term = antidepressants).
I walked home and rang my mum. Explained what had happened and she said she would pop over for dinner with me (dinner = lunch for posh people).
I got home; my mum arrived and greeted with a hug. I tried my best not to cry as I had done enough of that to last a lifetime; but this was only the start. I sat on the couch and went through my conversation with the doctor with her. She had brought me a bunch of yellow tulips to remind me of what was to come with our trip to Amsterdam to see one of our favourite bands. This gesture didn’t do anything for that not crying thing!
One more phone call I had to make was to work. I told my boss what my morning had entailed. Our conversation was more on a friendship level than a work level as we had known each other for the best part of a decade. I had spent many years working for him. He completely understood me and my situation and that made me feel somewhat better. I kept apologising profusely as I felt I had let him and the school down. I care greatly about all the children I teach and I don't want to do them a disservice. He told me to stop apologising and to look after myself. I told him I was going to fight this thing that had washed over and consumed me. One line that stuck with me from our conversation was that he said that depression was a like breaking a leg, but you couldn’t see it. You need time to recover in the same way. It was a different kind of incapable that I was being subjected to. My mind was in such a mess that I couldn’t see things with that clarity. I didn’t have a clue what to think.
I spent that afternoon in a complete daze. I let a few of my friends know my situation. I have some very close friends who know me in different ways and know different things about me. I’m not the most transparent person at times and I do bottle things up – so I could say different things to different people and had various conversations going.
My flatmate/cousin arrived home and I explained the situation. We had lived together for a year or so at the time. He had been through plenty of tough times in recent years so there was a little kinship in the fact that we could empathise with each other. What we said…I can’t remember. I was just glad to have him around.
I went to bed completely and utterly drained. My body wanted to shut down but my mind decided to carry on its day. The one thing that was comforting was that I knew that the morning after, my alarm was off and I didn’t have to get the same bus to work again and deal with situations that were overwhelming me. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning.
Why I chose these songs:
Anathema are one of the most emotive bands that I know of. Hailing from Liverpool in the UK, they have an unbelievable quality to create such emotion in their music. The Beginning And The End was an obvious first choice of track for me on many levels. The title suggests where I was up to at that point in my life, and I interpreted the lyrics as a call for help, which is what I needed to do.
Max Bygraves was included solely as a reference to having a trip to Amsterdam booked in January 2017!
Side A
Anathema – The Beginning And The End
Can someone please show me the way?
Can someone please help me?
Side B
Max Bygraves – Tulips From Amsterdam