Over the past few weeks and months I’ve found several things quite tricky to negotiate and navigate. I don’t feel happy sharing these things as of yet but I’ve spoken to my counsellor and a few people about these issues and I’ve managed to keep a level head…just.
A thing that I have enjoyed immensely is the World Cup. People think I’m mad when I tell them I think England will win the World Cup when they ask. The World Cup happens every four years and ever since Italia ’90 I’ve followed England in the World Cup with excitement and hope. The amount of heartbreak it has caused should make me reassess my feelings but as a lifelong football fan, I believe we will do well every time a major tournament comes around. Also, as a longsuffering Bolton Wanderers fan, it gives me chance to support a team that have a chance of beating bigger teams!!!
ITV and BBC keep talking of when England got beaten by Iceland a couple of years ago; this match is one of England’s losses that meant absolutely nothing to me. On the night England lost that match to Iceland I found out about a friend of mine that was inevitably going to die in the following days. The constant reminder of England's failure a couple of years ago has constantly reminded me of this.
It is coming up to two years since my friend Joe passed away. As I went through 2017 seeing my counsellor, it became apparent how deeply his death affected me.
I’ve attempted to write something fitting for Joe several times in my quest to continue this blog. This must be about the tenth time i've started. Joe was a huge influence on me. I first met him in 1999 when I started college. He was introduced to me by my cousin Luke who was very good friends with him. It made my transition to college a lot easier as I was heading to a college that was separated from my high school whereas Luke and Joe were at college where they had gone to school.
Joe was in my form. I was immediately struck by his warmth. The notion of anyone that knows Luke is good enough for me meant that we were instantly friends. We took no classes together but form time was always consumed by what we were listening to on our headphones. Joe had a Minidisc player. I was all about the Discman (shock proof of course).
I was working at Virgin Megastore during college and would always be trying to impress Joe with something new. He never went for Iron Maiden or The Smashing Pumpkins but we were both into Oasis and Doves and such. Prior to seeing Oasis in Bolton in 2000, a whole load of us went round to Joes for a barbeque before the gig. It was one of my fondest memories of that time. My brother sampled a couple of bottles of San Miguel which were more than enough for him at the time. The sun was blazing and it was a phenomenal day.
Joe let me into his life like he had always known me. We used to go to his auntie’s house (I think) and mess around on Napster during college time to see what was knocking around. It was during one of these times that Joe introduced me to Revolver by The Beatles. More to the point, he introduced me to Tomorrow Never Knows. When we went to see The Chemical Brothers in 1999, they took the stage to the strains of that particular track. I knew what it was because of Joe and I immediately felt cooler (which was rare!)
Over the course of the next year, myself, Joe, Luke and a load of their friends went to countless gigs. I also attended my first festival with that bunch of people. We went to V2000 which was an eye opener for me. I saw loads of bands; Death In Vegas, Joe Strummer, Morcheeba, All Saints, Coldplay, Richard Ashcroft, Bentley Rhythm Ace, Groove Armada, Moby, Cypress Hill – it was a brilliant weekend.
The one act that stuck out for me though were Underworld. Hearing Rez/Cowgirl and Moaner was a moment in time I will never forget. I remember bounding around like a lunatic with everyone. It was probably my first real musical moment where I, along with friends, were just completely in the moment for and with the music. I’ve been lucky to have experienced many things at concerts but that is still right up there.
After college, Joe and I only saw each other fleetingly as our life paths were different. We always connected like time was irrelevant whenever we saw each other though; such was Joe’s amazing personality. He came to visit me at University in Keele and we saw The Coral. In fact a bunch of lads came down from Bolton for that one. It was a bit of a mess! Lots of fun though. At Luke’s stag do we had the most amazing time. I ended up in hospital a couple of weeks later with pancreatitis – I think the partying that was done on that stag contributed to my physical state!
We both loved U2 and Bruce Springsteen which went against the grain with a lot of our friends - but Joe had no boundaries musically (apart from the extreme metal i'd started listening too!) One thing that me and Joe instantly connected on was our experience of seeing U2 in 1997 on their PopMart Tour.
When I found out that Joe’s death was inevitable, I was away on a school residential trip and walking up a hill called Gummers How. Luke rang me and he was highly emotional. Joe was one of his best friends and his upset caused me to get upset. Not the front you need in front of 12 kids who are away on holiday from their parents for the first time. Luckily, my colleague and friend who I was with was amazing; she took the lead and I managed to keep it professional. I thought of Joe every step I took up that hill until we got back to the centre we were staying at. I watched the England game through hazy and uncaring eyes. I carried out my professional duties and the next day, Joe passed away. I spoke to my brother who also knew Joe very well. We were both very upset. It was hard.
I couldn’t believe what was happening. Joe’s situation was brought on by the fact he’d had a stroke some 18 months or so prior to his death. It looked like he was making progress with recovery but it all flipped in a 72 hour period or so (I think – the details are sketchy to me). I’d never experienced a friend dying before. Two of my grandparents has died so I’d had the experience of death but this was different. I went to see Joe in hospital at the back end of 2015. I took him a copy of Louder Than War magazine which had my first ever printed review in. It was a Baroness album id reviewed; Joe wouldn’t have dug the record, but I was proud of myself and I knew he would be happy for me.
As I found out the devastating news, I thought back to all the times i'd spent with Joe. Festivals, gigs, barbeques, college, parties, friends, jokes; the memories will live on. The last time I spoke to Joe was at a gig. For Luke’s birthday in February 2016 we went to see Floating Points at Manchester Ritz. Joe was wheelchair bound but still digging the scene. We’d been for food at HOME in Manchester prior to the concert and I remember chatting to him briefly. I was so glad that the last time I saw him was at a concert and not in a hospital room. As it goes, I was at the last concert Joe attended which was Bruce Springsteen at Manchester City's Etihad Stadium. I didn’t see him that night but I have the recording of the show and every time I listen to it, I know that the crowd you can hear contains mine and Joe’s voices amongst 60,000 others. Bruce Springsteen concerts are always filled with euphoria. If there was a plan for Joe, then making sure he saw The Boss last was the perfect way to end a gigging life; going out at the top.
When I returned from the school residential, my boss was completely compassionate and understanding. He allowed me time to go to the funeral a week later which was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. All the lads that I’d usually see at the pub or at concerts were decked out in funeral clobber. Luke’s brother, my cousin Liam, had flown over from Holland for the funeral. I sat next to him during the typically unorthodox service that included music from Prince and readings from Letters of Note. Me and Joe both adored Prince and funk in general. We were both at Prince’s Manchester Academy gigs in 2014 – we were like kids in a sweet shop when we talked about it. At his funeral, they played I Would Die 4 U; it summed up everything about Joe. Dry wit and humour, ace music and joy in music.
I got home from the funeral and got in the bath. I cried. I was still bemused as to what i'd just done. I'd just been to Joe's funeral. I wasn’t computing it. Upon reflection, I believe that this point was the true sort of beginning of the end for my mental state. The six months that followed were some of the unhappiest times in my life which culminated in January 2017 and me going off sick from work. I should have acted sooner but didn’t. As the school year came to an end in July 2016 I had a pretty bad episode with drinking which my friend Mick helped me through. The problem with depression is that from one day to the next you don’t know what’s going to happen. This leads to anxiety, restlessness, lack of sleep, and the inevitable autopilot situation where you paint on the smile and open your eyes – in reality your numb behind the eyes – or at least I was. Every person is unique and people deal or don't deal with it in different ways.
Two years on since the passing of Joe, I’ve confronted some tough things personally. My friend Adrian died earlier this year - I didn't think that two people who played a big part in my life would be gone before I was 35. I’m still taking mood stabilisers (!) and still seeing my counsellor. I’ve also given up drinking. I am now nearly six months sober. Due to these things, I have more clarity in thought and I’ve finally made it through this blog piece about my good friend Joe who I miss a lot. I have the memories though. Those things will never go. I have no pictures of me and Joe together but that doesn’t matter as I can paint those pictures in my head.
Why I Chose These Songs:
Musically, I could have picked a massively long list to dedicate to Joe. I’m going to take a liberty and pop a few links below. All these songs have significance to me.
David Holmes and BP Fallon - Henry McCullough
When Record Store Day 2017 came around, Luke put me onto the track Henry McCullough by BP Fallon and David Holmes. This song is a eulogy to Henry McCullough from BP Fallon. The last lines he speaks in the song though remind me of Joe, via Luke pointing it out to me;
'I’m very blessed that Harry was my friend since 1966. We’re very lucky to travel these paths and meet magical people along the way. Henry, I salute you. I love you. I miss you already. I know you’ll always be here, the music and your vibe; I’ll see you when the time comes. I love you. God bless.'
Swap out Harry for Joe, and 1966 for 1999 and this is how i'd talk to Joe now. Joe was the epitome of a magical person.
Prince - I Would Die 4 U
The Purple One - still sorely missed.
The Beatles - Tomorrow Never Knows
Essentially the first 'dance' track. Looped beats, and open minded lyrics.
U2 - Love Is Bigger Than Anything In Its Way
Joe loved U2. He never heard this song from their latest album I think he would have liked it as Joe was all about love, peace, equality and freedom.
Bruce Springsteen - Tenth Avenue Freeze Out
I always told Joe that this was my favourite Springsteen track. It's always fighting for top spot with Prove It All Night. He played this song in his encore in Manchester in 2016.