FCR002 Like Spinning Plates

After holding up my hands and succumbing to the inevitability of my mental state, I didn’t really know what to do.

Having taught full time for ten years, every single day was full throttle. You have lessons to plan, marking to do, meetings to attend, issues to solve with staff and students, subject leadership to handle, paperwork to fill in, data to analyse, targets to meet, numbers and bureaucratic acronyms to understand, OFSTED to handle, hoops to jump through, parents to talk to, and an infinite amount of ad hoc questions throughout the day ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous. Basically, you have to be a master plate spinner.

My metaphorical plates had smashed, but having been given time to rest and be off sick, I was clueless about what to do now I didn’t have to perform this circus skill every day.

I decided to utilise my gym membership more. The old adage of 'healthy body, healthy mind' was at the forefront of my mind. Going to the gym during the day was great; not too many people around, no waiting for equipment and plenty of space to relax in the steam room and sauna! I ended up doing a lot of thinking in the steam room. It was always so quiet and relaxing and the lighting was great for zoning out; you just have to be careful you don’t turn into something resembling a dried fruit.

My attempts at the gym lasted for about a month; I found it didn’t benefit me as much as I had hoped. I was working out quite intensely, but couldn’t get over the bad food habits that had overtaken me and I was still drinking (albeit a lot less). These habits were hard to break and having a lack of routine was a bit confusing for my bodyclock. I thought nothing of closing my eyes at the start of the afternoon and snoozing. Snoozing encouraged the bad habits rather than eradicating them. I was supposed to be taking it easy though, so I just let it ride. This still felt like the wilderness though. What was I supposed to do with all this spare time?

My doctor had put forward a referral to speak to a counsellor via the NHS however there was a few weeks wait. I had no idea how long it might take so I was just kicking my heels. I watched all manner of forgettable tripe on Netflix; I can't remember much of what I watched, which a year on in January 2018 says to me what a mess my mind was in. All of the blog posts that I write are reflective. None of what I am writing is like a diary from the time. I tried diary writing but it wasn't a method of coping I liked; I think I wrote about two diary entries which I have since destroyed.

Anyway, back to the gym...one of the best things about going to the gym was that I was next to the cinema in Manchester. I love going to the cinema and will watch most things if they’re any good. I’m not one for being hypercritical of films – if I like it, it’s good. I spent quite a bit of time at the cinema watching films during January and February but like Netflix at home, I can’t say as I remember one of the films I watched. I guess they can’t have been that good! Still, I was getting out of the flat and dealing with the world. I still felt like a fraud roaming around town when I was off sick.

During January 2017, my head was completely in the clouds....and not in a good way. Every day was a like floating around doing a whole lot of nothing. I was mentally trying to defragment what had happened to me.

Every single day I thought about work, friends, family and the myriad of things that had occurred to people around me over the previous few years and how those things had affected me.

My medication felt like it wasn’t working but people assured me that it would take time to fully affect my mood in a positive way. There was very much a placebo effect going on in my mind with them though. Was it actually worth the journey just to see if they might work? I was just drifting aimlessly and the tablets i'd been given seemed fraudulent. I really couldn't see a way out of the hole I was in.

Why I chose these songs:

Radiohead's Like Spinning Plates is a track that is largely tucked away in their back catalogue. The version I included was a live version with Thom Yorke at his piano. The album version from 2001's Amnesiac LP is a far more electronic beast that is fraught with tension. I thought that the live version from Radiohead's I Might Be Wrong live LP put more emphasis on the lyrics in the song.

Metallica weren't an obvious choice for this point in the blog. I ended up seeing Metallica in October 2017 and was going to include them at some point, however, the sentiment in Fade To Black feels like it sums up my gradual decline in the early part of 2017. Lyrically, it's heavy; musically, it builds into something very heavy. I was one year old when this song was released and they have become a band that I really love.

Side A

Radiohead – Like Spinning Plates

And this just feels like

Spinning plates

I’m living in Cloud Cuckoo Land

Side B

Metallica - Fade To Black

Life it seems to fade away

Drifting further everyday

Getting lost within myself