Since starting this blog at the start of 2018, I’ve published a couple of posts that I wrote at different points in the latter stages of 2017. I have a couple more posts ready that I have to keep altering as my reflection and perception of last year changes. This is the first one that I have written completely off the bat in 2018, and one I felt I needed to write about this particular week in my life, rather than last year.
My first post, The Beginning And The End, talked of the immediate events that led to me visiting the doctor with my mental health. I first approached that piece in October 2017 but it felt very raw to think and write about what happened to me and I had to put it away as it wasn’t helpful on any level.
I revisited what I had written in December 2017 after an emotional counselling session where my counsellor helped me to see all that I’d achieved in 2017. On the face of it, I felt like the year had been a failure. I gave up a lot, personally and professionally, to ensure that I made it out of 2017 with a shred of my sanity.
2017 wasn’t a failure; I approached a lot of issues that I had previously been afraid to approach, or not approached at all. I attacked them head on (when I could) and achieved a lot. My counsellor has lived my life with me over the past year and it is always heartening to hear her talk of all that I’ve done. Her coaching and helping of me moving through tough times is something that I will always be grateful for.
As it goes, it was this parallel weekend in 2017 where I completely lost my mind. Throughout this week as the anniversary of one year approaches, it has played on my mind a lot. I’ve thought long and hard about the events of this time last year and the absolute anguish I was suffering, largely in silence both this year and last.
My thoughts on this upcoming ‘anniversary’ began with a check-up at the doctors earlier this year; we had a discussion about where I was up to and how things had changed. Ultimately, on a medical level, nothing has changed. I am still taking the same medication and will be doing for the next few months – I was hoping to make some sort of change on that front but I am not the expert! I had hoped to lower my dosage, but the doctor recommended keeping things as they were as I was stable and he didn't recommend altering anything at this particular time of the year.
For me, this week has shown the unpredictable nature of depression. On more than one occasion this week I have woken up feeling good, but then in an instant, an obtuse thought has clouded everything, and it’s been hard to shake.
On Thursday of this week I had a rough day. I felt good getting up. I made my bed, made my butties (sandwiches), and got the bus to work. I’m enjoying my current job and the anxious knot in the stomach is nowhere to be seen (or felt), but on the way to work, an obligatory flick through Facebook told me I had ‘memories’ for the day. It was the 11th January; the day that my mum had booked U2 tickets for Amsterdam last year…a great memory to look back on…you would think.
Yes, the prospect of a holiday to see one of your favourite bands with your family should be something to grin about, but for me, on this particular dark morning, it just set me off thinking about last year and I couldn’t shake the negativity in my mind.
Last year was so hard, and writing about it has become a lot easier; therapeutic and cathartic in equal measure. With that being said, this week has been a real struggle.
I visited my counsellor again this week. I felt I needed that session to take the pressure out of my mind, and to help move on through an anniversary that I didn’t really want to reflect on. Once again, my counsellor sought to make me see everything in as much of a positive light as possible. Like she has done in the time that I’ve been visiting her, she has put the brakes on emotions that feast on my negativity and turned things into a positive.
This week has served as a stark reminder to me that I am not ‘better’ from my mental health problems and that I am still very much a going concern, mentally! I still need to take things easy on myself, work through my mind in my own way, and focus on all that I have achieved. It’s easier said than done when you feel like you’re disappearing down the rabbit hole, but ultimately, I know I’ve made the right choices along the way; I just have to be careful with my memories and how they manifest in my mind.
On a side note, I would just like to say thank you for all the messages of positivity on Twitter, Facebook and personally from anyone who has read the previous posts. It is very much appreciated.
Why I chose the songs:
Bright Eyes, fronted by Conor Oberst, are a band that I don’t ‘love’ but I really like a lot of their music and seeing them live a few years ago was excellent. Prior to seeing them I hadn’t heard this song, but it is certainly one of my favourite songs by them. It is largely interpreted as a song about recovering from drug addiction; whilst my journey isn't about that, I feel the sentiment fits well with my thoughts and feelings.
Cat Stevens, or Yusuf Islam, is one of the best songwriters ever and someone I feel really happy to have seen live. He was a special guest with Fairport Convention at their annual Cropredy festival a few years ago, and he performed this song. It’s a simple song with simple words, but reminds me of a lot of people and good times in a somewhat melancholy song.
Side A
Bright Eyes - If The Brakeman Turns My Way
When panic grips your body And your heart's a hummingbird Raven thoughts blacken your mind 'Til you're breathing in reverse
Side B
Yusuf - All Kinds Of Roses
All kinds of people,
All kinds of people, make up my life,
All kinds of faces, All kinds of faces, show me their love.