The fifth blog post on this lexical journey takes me to the end of January 2017. This is the last of the posts that I had already written at the back end of 2017. I've written many things about February of 2017 but i've found it incredibly tough to make sense of a lot of things that happened. I guess i'll work on that over the next few weeks! Anyway...
As January came to an end, I’d spent two and a half weeks off trying to make sense of things. The forefront of all my thoughts was consumed with work and how things had tumbled down. Things had changed so much at work and I couldn’t pinpoint one particular thing that was the catalyst…it had quite literally built to the point of collapse over the course of 2, 3 maybe 4 years.
I had spent a long time in Year 6 which for the uninitiated is when 10/11 year old children sit their SATs. This in itself gave me a great deal of stress and anxiety, and had done for the seven years I had been in that particular year group. I couldn’t put feelings of failure to bed.
I managed to get a move out of the pressure cooker of Year 6, however I found myself under increased scrutiny with a year group that needed plenty of support. A rapidly evolving environment coupled with sky high expectation and an obligation to deliver rapid results to show improvement, in a year group that was behind in their progress, was a monstrous obstacle.
This challenge felt especially tough for myself, who had moved out of a year group (which I wanted), into a year group I’d worked in before (which I wanted) in a school which I’d been a part of for many years (and didn’t really want to leave). Was I the architect of my downfall here? It was certainly a thought that circulated around my daft mind an awful lot. Would I have been better off staying within the grind that came naturally at the top of the school?
As it turns out, not sticking with what I had, or making a change, made me much less resilient and a whole lot weaker. My apathy grew, and ultimately, I couldn't cope.
One thing I learnt very quickly whilst being off work was that the ability to beat myself up heightened immensely. My endeavour to go the gym was replaced with a quick walk around the corner for a toasted sarnie (that’s a sandwich). Thoughts of work and the mental quagmire I was in continually swept over me. I couldn’t shake the negativity. The struggle to get out of bed in a morning was hard, and my routine was awful. The thought of opening the curtains was one that scared me.
Prior to taking time off work, my routine unequivocally had to stay the same…if it didn’t, my day wouldn’t happen. I had to get the same bus every day, otherwise I wouldn’t get up; I had to clock into work before a certain time because I would feel like I was wasting a part of the day and not giving my all. It was excruciating but completely necessary for me to function; or at least that is what I had built myself up to believe.
Colleagues began to ask me if I was ok. I passed it off with the obligatory polite response as I was so insular that I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. No one really knew how I was feeling apart from me; or at least that was what I thought. When I started to tell people that I had been signed off by my doctor, there weren’t too many surprised people.
In a strange way, this was heartening for me as people had noticed a change in me. I’d felt this way before but just carried on wading through the perennial treacle. It turns out, that on this particular occasion, the wading had to stop. I was stuck, and completely and utterly under too much pressure.
Why I chose the songs:
The Selecter's Too Much Pressure felt like the right song choice! Whilst not specifically about stress, depression or anxiety, the sentiment is obvious, and after some particularly dark songs in this trip, this is an upbeat dose of ska!
Isaac Hayes is one of the many soul singers that I am a big fan of. Sadly, now departed, he has an unreal collection of songs and has one of the most recognisable voices ever.
A Side – Too Much Pressure
Too much pressure,
this pressure got to stop.
Too much pressure,
it's getting to my head.
b/w Isaac Hayes - Going In Circles
Oh, but what am I to do My mind is in a whirlpool Give me a little hope One small thing to cling to