Today, the 1st February, has been a huge day for me. For the first time in around 15 months I’ve successfully navigated a lesson observation, got over the fact its 365 days since my first counselling session, and I’ve cooked a healthy enough meal! With that being said, my day has been emotionally draining; I woke at 1am, 3am, 4am and then slept through my alarm...it was frustrating.
As for last year, February was a nightmare and it has been very hard to reflect in a way with any semblance of sense.
During February 2017, my mind was a complete mess. Negativity had manifested itself in my mind and I couldn’t shake the bad headspace that I had gotten into. Upon reflection, I really find it hard to look back and place things in any kind of order. There was a maelstrom of confusion in my mind. I tried to do things that ultimately backfired, my bad habits continued, and my continual lack of direction led to increased anxiety. I’m not usually a person that lives by timetable in my spare time but it was hard to cope with or without a timetable.
I found that my Friday’s were taken up by meeting my parents in Manchester (as they were both off on that day), some Saturday’s I went to the football (I’m a big Bolton Wanderers fan), and some days I managed to get out and about with my head in the clouds.
Meeting my parents on a Friday gave me a reason to get out of bed. We met and mooched around a few shops and invariably ate out. Manchester is a great place to eat and drink. It was on one of these days where they said they would help me get involved with a counsellor so I could try to make sense of things a little quicker than waiting for the NHS counselling.
I had been referred by my doctor to the NHS counselling service however there was a short wait. I was awaiting a preliminary call to ‘assess’ my needs over the phone. How would they truly assess my needs? I understand why an initial call is needed but it feels so detached over the phone. As it goes, the ‘chat’ I eventually had with the NHS was an absolute godsend; but that comes a little later on in the month.
With my parents helping me pay for counselling on a private basis I sought to speak to someone at a centre that was very close to my home – it was less than a five minute walk there. I placed my initial call to be greeted by the answerphone. I was caught off guard with this as I wasn’t sure what to say! When your clarity of thought is completely skewed anyway, trying to make yourself sound like you make sense is very hard; or it was for me.
The same afternoon I received a call back from Marta, the person that runs the centre. We arranged a meeting and discussed briefly the issue that had resulted in me being signed off from work. Throughout the entire year of 2017, Marta became one of the most important people in my life. She has helped me realise many of the things I needed to put right, but more importantly, many of my strengths.
Through my work with her this year I have discussed a multitude of things that contributed to my mental state being so messed up. There was the obvious issue of work, which formed many of my early sessions with Marta. However, as time went on, many things that had destroyed my mind were rooted in the past. These included relationships with my friends and family, my habits, drinking, grief, coping with obtuse thoughts and feelings, my school life, university, my ambitions and a whole host of other topics that over time I had to unravel.
I realise that I was very lucky to have the chance to go private for help with counselling; for many people this isn’t an option and a year on, I am utterly grateful for what my parents did for me at this point last year. I realise that I am also extremely lucky to have an immediate and extended family that is very much together and extremely supportive in the face of adversity. It is also truly humbling to have friends that have also showed me immense support, and continue to do so every day.
Some friends I only saw a handful of times, and some I saw every week or every month. Some I only spoke to on the phone, and some via text/social media. Regardless of the form of communication, every conversation and word exchanged about my mental illness helped in some way. It made me see that talking is so important. I became a lot more open over time, and writing in this open way is also helpful; however this particular blog has been hard to write – and has taken me a while to feel happy about posting. Still…it’s done now…time to move on.
Why I Chose The Songs
Green Day is a band that I got into quite late in my life. In all honesty, I can take or leave a lot of their later material but by god they put on a show. I was at Milton Keynes in 2005 with one of my good friends and we had a blast of a day. In February of 2017, I saw them in Manchester with the same friend and his wife. They were phenomenal. Brain Stew and Jaded are two separate songs but are usually played together as they segue brilliantly!
As for U2...I love U2. Anyone that knows me at all will know what they mean to me as a band. In writing this blog, I am trying to not use artists more than once, but the reality is that U2 will get more than one look in! This is my blog and I will do what I want! This is one of U2's newer songs; the words are very pertinent to me. In fact, all of U2's new album speaks to me a lot. And...this week my mum booked tickets for us to see them in Belfast in October...so i'll just thank my mother and shut up!
Side A - Green Day – Brain Stew / Jaded
My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My senses dulled
Passed the point of delirium
Side B - U2 - The Little Things That Give You Away
Sometimes I wake at four in the morning When all the darkness is swarming And it covers me in fear