The start of February 2017 saw me taking on my first counselling session. I first went on 2nd February 2017 (which was a Thursday). My appointment was during the day, and it was a typically British February day; wet, grey and gloomy.
It’s a short walk from where I live to the Centre where I spent a lot of time talking about things with my wonderful counsellor, Marta. Much like my trip to the doctors a few weeks before 2nd February 2017, I was filled with thoughts and ruminations on what was happening but more pertinently; what the hell was I going to say?!
For the 7 years I’d lived in the area, I’d never really figured that there was a counselling centre along the road I’d walked up and down thousands of times. When I got to the door, I rang the buzzer and waited for the reply on the intercom. I was so nervous and full of anxiety even doing this small, menial task that I wasn’t sure I would be able to cope with this. I just wanted to go home and get back in bed. Luckily, I didn’t and the door made that grating sound that all intercom doors make when they’re being locked.
As I entered through the door, I was greeted with a very steep staircase, and the warmest of hello’s from Marta. She offered me a drink and showed me her room where her sessions take place. It had three sofas (two of which faced each other), a whiteboard, plenty of literature, an office corner, a huge window and a coffee table full of pens and drinking water. I sat with a nervous tension on the sofa looking around the room as Marta made me a coffee. When she came in, she sat down and poured me a drink of water too. So far, she had made me feel extremely welcome, and more importantly, a little more at ease.
Marta went through admin things with me; a disclaimer, a contract of sorts and what her aims would be with me. Reading through some of the literature I was given…it was heavy going. One of the first things I got asked was ‘Have you ever had any suicidal thoughts?’ Even when I visited the doctor, he hadn’t asked me this and I was initially taken aback. I unequivocally said ‘no,’ however I said I had thought about what it would be like if I wasn’t here.
Next comes the hard part. The question; So…? a little two letter word that ultimately changed the complexion of my life in a second. What brings you here? It was time to rip the lid off the proverbial can of worms.
Over the course of the next hour, I can’t recall a whole host of what I actually said, but I know that my first session centred on work being the main driver of my depression. I also touched on other life events of the previous few years; Phil's (my cousin who I live with) battle with testicular cancer, my friend Joe tragically passing away in 2016 and members of my family and friends battling through various tough times. These were the things on the top of my mind – as I was talking, one thing led to another and we talked briefly about these things. The hour long session came and went so quickly. Me and Marta agreed that we thought we could work together, so I booked another session the following week.
At the end of the session, Marta encouraged me to reward myself by doing something nice for myself after I had left. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do that was nice so I just went to the shop and got some chocolate (a Double Decker, obviously…the official king of chocolate).
When I got home my mind was fried. I’d hardly dug into the issues but with my mind being the cauldron it was, things were bubbling. I was going to have to confront these issues, and talk about them openly and candidly with someone I’d never met before.
At around 4pm I received a phone call from my friend, Claire.
She rang me as she always does, after work, to talk about our respected days. I asked her if I could visit her over the forthcoming weekend as I felt like I needed to get away a little. She said she was free and the following day I made the short hop to Leeds from Manchester.
Claire is one of my best friends. We met twelve years ago in Carlisle whilst we were training to be teachers at St Martin’s College. Ever since we met on that course we've been friends. I first spoke to Claire because I spilt a drink on her in a club in Carlisle. I didn't mean to, but as it goes it worked out alright. During that year in 2006-07 we hung out a lot. When my Grandma died in 2007, she really helped me by going out for a pub tea and cheering me up as I was so far away from home. I felt detached from what was actually happening at home and when I got the call about my Grandma's passing I was teaching in a class. It was a surreal day and one i'll never forget; Claire's friendship at that time was something I needed. My last days in Carlisle were a struggle as I just wanted to be home. I didn't stay for any final parties or anything as I had a funeral to go to, and I didn't feel like partying. I remember seeing Claire just before I went and she was ready to head out for the final night out; at that point, I didn't know if we'd meet again as the end of times at university means everyone goes their separate ways.
En route to Claire’s in February 2017, I visited one of my favourite record shops; Crash Records. They don’t have many genre specific sessions in there – it’s largely a straight A-Z, which is one of my favourite things about it! I didn’t have to go through the ‘wonky yacht rock’ section or the ‘gangsta dragon hip hop’ section. Those are made up, but I bet somewhere, they do exist. There is absolutely no elitism in Crash Records (that some independent record shops have an air of). They also carry (record shop workers term) plenty of heavy metal…which is always a good thing. On this occasion I didn’t buy anything, but along with Jumbo Records, I can recommend Leeds as a good place to buy records!
Anyway, I digress; Claire lives in the lovely Yorkshire town of Ilkley. She has a lovely house, a cute Cockapoo dog called Ted (see posey picture with inserted fancy frame), and we always have the most relaxed time together. We have spent so much time together over the past decade that we are more than happy just doing nothing when we chill out. We have seen in many a new year in in Ilkley (the picture of us is from NYE 2015 I think), Bolton and Manchester over the years.
We’ve had holidays to Portugal, Turkey and Cyprus; been to festivals and gigs, been camping, watched our football teams together (the mighty Bolton Wanderers and Burnley), studied together, lived our careers together and generally done a whole manner of stuff over the years.
On this particular weekend I needed a weekend of nothing. I spoke to Claire this week about writing this post and if she minded me writing about her and our friendship. I told her that I remember going to see her as the first thing I did after my first counselling session, but I can’t remember a jot of what we did that weekend. I was there in body but definitely not in mind. We probably walked Ted, had a takeaway and watched a film of some sort.
Whichever way, without thinking and noticing at the time, this was my nice thing that Marta said I should do for myself; visiting one of my best friends, getting away, and relaxing after taking a stroll through my mind for the first time.
Again, my friends and family were incredible last year. Claire was a vital part of me getting back to where I am. Sometimes I miss calls from her and I feel bad but she never stops ringing, and for that, I will always be thankful.
Why I chose the songs:
Take A Stroll Thru Your Mind is track four on Psychedelic Shack; one of my favourite albums by The Temptations. Recorded in 1970, the album is part of The Temptations’ more psychedelic albums, which were a departure from their motown roots. This particular song is an ode to marijuana, but the words ring true with me at this point in my journey; not because i'm a smoker, but because of the meandering nature of the song and the way the song gets more and more intense. I was literally taking a stroll through my mind throughout the year whilst I spoke to my counsellor. My dad introduced me to this album several years ago and it still blows my mind each time I listen to it. Side one of the album is insanely good. It is great from front to back in my opinion though.
Act 1 is a pretty unknown quantity. So much so that they don’t even have a Wikipedia page. I guess it will come as no surprise that it was John Peel who introduced me to this song (not personally mind!). His Fabriclive compilation has this song sandwiched in the middle of it. It became a Northern Soul hit in 1974. When I spoke to Claire about what song of significance I could include for us and our friendship, this was one of two suggestions. I remember Claire laughing an awful lot at the opening to this song when she heard it in Carlisle. It’s a real favourite of mine, and a song that always reminds me of Claire and consequently, the happy times we have spent together.
I have DJ'd three times in public, and every time i've played this. It's up there with Bowie's Let's Dance as one of my favourite songs to dance to.
Side A - The Temptations - Take A Stroll Thru Your Mind
Take a stroll through your mind You'll be surprised at what you might find
Side B - Act 1 - Tom The Peeper