At this particular point in 2017 I truly felt like I was depressed. This was due to me letting things wash over me during my time off, and there were also events that dragged my moods down further than they had ever been taken before. I was one session into counselling and before I’d made it to my second session I’d had some serious dents to my mental disposition with things that happened. The things that happened were minimal but as my mind was in a state of chaos, they really affected me.
I think my vulnerability during this particular time was enhanced by my first counselling session as I was asked questions that I had never been asked before and encouraged to confront the answers. It was akin to ripping off plasters from cuts; the exposure that came from this oozed out of me and had me reeling.
At the start of the week, I had text my friend who organised our weekly kick around to say that I would play football that week. I play 5-a-side football each week with a bunch of friends and over time I had got some of my family to come and play when we were short of players. I love playing football with my cousins Luke and Phil, and more recently my brother Matthew has started to play. On this particular evening, I got in the car with Phil ready to go and play. As we were travelling to where we play, my mind switched. I had a massive swathe of anxiety sweep over me and when I was in the car my mind was just saying ‘I don’t want to go and play.’ I wanted so much to tell Phil to turn the car around but I couldn’t let the other nine lads down.
This sounds daft to write as I had no reason to worry. I had members of my family there, friends I’d played footy with for several years and close friends I’d known since university. Not all the people playing knew my situation but some did. They asked how I was and I responded with the obligatory ‘fine.’ The truth was that I wasn’t. All I wanted to do was go home and get in bed. Instead, I was running around a pitch in the cold with my head completely and utterly in the gutter. I did my stint in goal and for that 5/10 minute period of time I remember forgetting where I was and just drifting mentally. I saved a few shots and passed the ball but I was vacant.
When I got home, Phil went to his girlfriend’s house. I sat in my front room alone on the couch staring at the curtains; completely catatonic. I’d put the TV on but it made no impression on me at all. What was happening in my mind? I had no actual thoughts going through my mind. I was in a daze. Quite frankly, it scared me – I felt numb. I don’t actually know how long I sat there. I didn’t bother having a shower; I made it to bed and closed my eyes.
The next day, I was still numb. I didn’t know what to think. I had plans during the day to meet two people I had been working with over the past few years. Before that I had to get myself up, showered and dressed. This felt like a mammoth task. I didn’t actually complete this task until I was about ready to go out.
Before getting out of the flat and into the public domain I had a call from the NHS for my initial consultation for a counselling referral. As it goes, I wasn’t going to use the service but the call I had was one of the most important calls I had last year as at that point in time I really needed it. After the mental incident playing football, I had someone to talk to who was trained to deal with these issues. I spent an hour on the phone talking about the things I’d gone through with Marta the week before, but also how my mind reacted to playing football with friends. It took the needle out of the last 24 hours for me, but I had to answer questions about self-harm and suicide again, and whether I had been involved in thinking about those things. Again, I spoke of not having any desire to try to end my life or hurt myself physically but answering these questions again was tough.
I made it to the coffee shop where I was meeting my friends and got a drink. I sat there and waited as I was a little early. I didn’t know what I was going to say to these people. Both of the people I was meeting had left the school but had heard about my plight and wanted to meet for coffee.
I was plunged into mental chaos again when more than two people turned up for a catch up. I had prepared myself for meeting two people, but as it goes, more people had been invited and I wasn’t ready for this. Again, they were people that I got on with and could easily talk to usually; but I had got myself ready for a conversation with a couple of people. This now felt completely overbearing; doubly overbearing with double the amount of people! This was not like me as I can usually deal with situations changing. In teaching, you have to adapt quickly to change in circumstance or situation. On this particular day though, I was at a loss and I couldn’t.
Sitting there threw me into the same state of numbness. The coffee machine kept whirring and the device that steams the milk in those places kept making a racket. My head felt a little like that! Again, I just wanted to go home. I sat there for as long as I could without screaming and for as little time as I could without seeming rude. I was still worried about pleasing other people and worrying about what they thought of me. Through counselling, I have learnt to manage my mind so much better and Marta has shown me the best ways to deal with myself and focus on myself to make sure I am kind to myself.
Anyway, I got out of the coffee shop and walked home. My day was nowhere near done though. On this particular day, I was scheduled to go and review Trivium at Manchester Academy. I was going alone, and was kind of looking forward to seeing some bands; especially Trivium who can help channel some anger through screaming and shouting and playing loud and fast. I was also looking forward to seeing the main support band, Code Orange.
En-route into Manchester, information was filtering through about an accident near a school in South Manchester. I was curious as to what school it was. When I saw it was where I worked, the numbness and fear started creeping in again. I was immediately worried for my colleagues. I was hoping that nothing serious had happened, but the reality is, if it’s reported by news outlet across the city, something bad has happened.
Unfortunately, it was tragic. A father of a family in the school community was hit by a car and he was killed. I had taught his eldest daughter a few years prior to last year and he still had a daughter in the school. This information came out in the days following the event. I was absolutely devastated. I didn’t know them that well at all but my thoughts were with the family, community and my colleagues who had to deal with tragedy in a school.
I had had experience of tragedy in school in my NQT year of teaching. A year two boy (5/6 year old) died in an accident when he was playing out the evening before. It is still the hardest day I have ever had in my working life. The class I was teaching were distraught, and so were all the staff. It was awful. With this previous experience, I could put myself in the position of my friends at work. Selfishly, I was glad I was off, but it didn’t stop me thinking about events any less. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all the way through the gig.
I felt so fragile stood amongst the masses at Manchester Academy. In that particular state, I wouldn’t usually want company or to be bothered by anyone, but luckily I did have some friends there that night.
That company was completely vital to me that evening. I knew my friends Heather and Chris would be there as Matt Heafy from Trivium is a big fan of Chris’s band, Winterfylleth.
I love chatting to, and seeing Heather and Chris as we’ve had some great nights out together and it’s always easy talking to them. For the time I spent with them that night having a few drinks, it helped me feel normal again for a short while. Much like when I saw Black Sabbath a few weeks before, being amongst a bunch of people I didn’t know aside from friends, I felt some semblance of being human when I was really not myself at all. This was my happy place.
Again, I want to say thank you to anyone that I spoke to last year. If you read this Heather and Chris, those couple of hours that night watching Trivium were so important to me; I needed your company and for all the nights out we’ve had, this was one of the most important to me.
Why I Chose These Songs
In Waves is probably my favourite Trivium song. It has a nice mix of aggression and melody. On the night I went to review Trivium last year, they played this as part of the encore and Manchester Academy went wild. Prior to the Trivium show last year I got to interview Paulo Gregoletto, bassist from Trivium for Louder Than War. If you’re interested in the interview, it’s here; the review of the show is here.
As I mentioned, Winterfylleth are my friend Chris’s band. Together with Nick, Simon and Dan, I have got to know them well after they brought to my attention by good friend Mick over a game of pool in The Salisbury in Manchester (he used to work with Nick).
I’ve followed Winterfylleth for a good few years and when Heather started dating Chris, I got to know Chris and Nick particularly well. We have a shared love for all things heavy metal and especially the mighty Iron Maiden. We’ve bonded over gigs, bands and beer.
During the year of 2017, Chris spoke to me several times about me and my state, as well as sharing what Winterfylleth were up to and sharing new music. They have released a new single this week from their upcoming acoustic project, and are playing some special shows.
This particular song is from their 2014 album The Divination Of Antiquity. When this album was released, I loved this song and when I saw Winterfylleth play at Damnation Festival in 2014, Chris gave me a nod from stage when they started this song as he knew I liked it a lot. I was also included in the thank you list in the liner notes of the album which was a humbling honour for me as they saw me worthy to be included in their album, but it was also a cool thing that will pretty much last as long as physical albums continue to be sold in shops. My name appears just below Matt Heafy of Trivium.
Winterfylleth’s songs about English heritage and folklore mean a lot to me as they have helped me form some great friendships amongst the metal community I have become involved in over the last few years.
Side A – Winterfylleth – A Careworn Heart
Side B – Trivium – In Waves