Since I wrote my last blog piece, things have been particularly tricky for me. Looking back has been therapeutic in the sense that I can see how much progress I have made in my struggle with my mental health. Whilst the catharsis is good; I have to be careful not to make sure I relive events in my mind too much and feel like I’m going through things again. That’s one of the reasons it’s taken me a few weeks to sit and write again.
Another reason is that for the second time in my life (and the second time in two years), someone who a part in my life growing up, has sadly passed away. My friend Adrian died a few weeks ago. I hadn’t seen Adrian for a while but whenever I was back at my parents, I would periodically see him on the street and say hello. We grew up together in Farnworth, Bolton; we went to nursery, primary school and high school together. On my first day at high school we walked the same walk we would take for the next five years as we worked up to our GCSE’s. Prior to that, I’d watched my first film at the cinema without my parents with Adrian (Cool Runnings), he’d shown me Michael Jackson’s Thriller video (the first ’15’ film I saw – and it terrified me), and we generally knocked around along with my brother and a couple of other lads. At high school we gradually grew apart as we made different friends, however we always walked to and from school together. We also shared our History GCSE classes. History is something I love and I went on to get my degree in History. When school ended, I went to college and we went our separate ways.
Although we hadn’t seen each other for a while, I was completely shocked by his death and it sent me into another void of vacant thinking. February again proved very tough. I was in the Lake District when I found out the news about his sad passing. I was gradually getting anxious again thinking and mulling it over. Another person of my age was dead. It didn’t seem right. Through thinking about Adrian and remembering the times we spent together, my thoughts also ran to my friend Joe who tragically died in 2016. Both of these big personalities were people that had been a big part in me growing up and during those periods in my life, they’d been good friends. Selfishly, I was running the notion of ‘it’s not fair’ repeatedly around my mind. Then my mind went to Adrian’s parents and older brother. I know them, and I can’t imagine how they have been feeling.
When I got back from the Lake District I got in bed and didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Waves of anxiety, frustration, annoyance, destructiveness and other such emotions were washing over me. I wanted to just go to the pub and drink. This would have been terrible for many reasons, but mainly because this year in 2018 I haven’t touched an alcoholic drink and it would have completely destroyed the progress that I have made over the course of the year. Instead, I contacted my counsellor Marta to see if she had any availability in her schedule; as luck would have it she had an appointment around teatime. The session I had was emotional and challenging but it was the right thing to do. It helped me get those bits of mental string that were all intertwined and lay them out straight. I didn’t feel ‘good’ as it were, but I felt better for verbalising things and attacking them head on instead of going to the pub and falling back into old habits.
I’ve learnt an incredible amount myself over the past 18 months through trial, error, medication and guidance. I’ve learnt to live with myself from day to day and week to week. At the moment I can’t work much further into the future than that.
After struggling to process things for a few days after Adrian’s passing I said I’d go to my parents’ house to watch the football and have tea there. My folks were there as well as my brother, sister in law and their two beautiful children, Dorothy and Albert.
They always make me smile and the chance to see them is always welcome. Whilst I had absolutely no reason to be uptight, it was a hard journey for me. I was wandering around Manchester in an impromptu state of confusion and couldn’t decide whether to head home or not. I just wanted to go back to my flat and get back in bed; but I got the bus, went home, and had a really good afternoon.
As the new week approached, there was some inclement weather knocking around (you might have seen it on the news). I ended up having a couple of days working from home as my school was closed due to the weather. This meant that I had the chance to attend Adrian’s funeral, however my mental state rendered it not possible for me. I couldn’t face the prospect of the funeral and travelling with the bad weather conditions was risky. I paid my respects silently at home, whilst my mum and dad represented our family at the funeral. They both said that the service was very nice and fitting for such a big personality who loved the outdoors and being amongst friends.
Why I Chose These Songs:
Jonathan Wilson is an artist I have only recently come across, however he's quite the luminary. He produced Father John Misty's last album and is a part of Roger Waters' touring band. I really like this particular song from his new album, Rare Birds. It has some heavy Bruce Springsteen vibes throughout and reminds me of his track, One Step Up, from Tunnel Of Love. Lana Del Rey also features on backing vocals. It was only released last week but I had the opportunity to review it for Louder Than War magazine, so I've had chance to immerse myself in it for a few weeks. I've really enjoyed the whole album and I felt that this song was apt.
I've included Thriller purely because of that video (it's truly brilliant...still!) and the fact this was one of the things I remembered about Adrian. It's legendary, and older than me!
Side A
Jonathan Wilson - Living With Myself
But then it comes That same old nagging feeling
Side B
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Is this the best music video/film ever?