After my last post concentrated heavily on the events of February this year, this post goes back to my 2017.
At the end of February in 2017, I went on a stag do to Hamburg for my friend Tom. Prior to this trip away I wasn’t sure if I should be going. Whenever I was off school sick, my mum always told me that if I’m not fit to go to school, I’m not allowed to play out (and rightly so)!
Depression however, is a different kind of sick. I had just been signed off work for another 4 weeks, had my dosage of the medication I was on doubled, and met with my boss about how things were going. I told him about the trip to Hamburg and he was glad that I had the trip planned. I explained that I had started counselling and it was tough going but I was glad I was speaking to someone. He was happy I was getting that help too. We chatted at length about football and music before we got involved in any kind of work related talk. I told him about the incidents that had set me off in the weeks prior to this meeting and talked about how I was feeling four weeks on from breaking down. It was good to chat to my boss before Hamburg; it felt good to let him know that I was going and allay the guilt I was feeling for going on holiday whilst being off sick (albeit during a half term!).
Prior to going to Hamburg, I was concerned about the pressures of a stag do. The desire to drink anything and everything and generally do ‘lad’ things takes over a stag do. I’d been on plenty of them and planned three of them as I’d been asked to be best man for three different people. This time it was nice to be told where to go and when to be there. I spoke to Tom about my concerns and my need to not be a part of the heavy drinking. His complete understanding, and the warmth with which we discussed things made me feel a lot better about things.
Another person I spoke to was my good friend Markus. Markus had spent ten years sober and fully prescribed to sobriety. I was glad he was going on the trip as it meant I had an ally in taking it easy! We ended up rooming together in Hamburg (which was brilliant), but before the trip we discussed in detail the notion of not drinking. He had found things hard with it and made the decision to not drink again. His words of advice and pointers that could help me were invaluable. He opened my eyes to my decisions when it came to drinking. As it stands in 2018, I am completely sober and haven’t had a drink since New Years’ Eve 2017.
I felt a lot better about the trip to Hamburg due to the understanding and support of my amazing friends. I also had my close friend Mick on the trip too. He was the first of my friends I told about my need for help with stress and depression as he had seen me in some dire states over the years. When I messaged him on that day in January 2017, his response was ‘I’m not surprised...what can I do to help?’
As the time came to go to Hamburg the inevitable 5am call woke me for the early flight. It’s a short hop to Hamburg from Manchester and I didn’t know too much about the place aside from The Beatles recorded there, St Pauli is an ace football club and there is the Reeperbahn. We did the usual stuff you’d do on a stag do
in Hamburg but there was also indie wrestling (as that is one of Tom’s favourite things), heavy metal bars and general embarrassment of people off the leash and on the lash! I had a few drinks but had no desire to get drunk.
One of my favourite bars was the club bar at St Pauli's football ground. St Pauli are an anti-fascist, very left wing football club who campaign against homophobia, racism, sexism and any other kind of discrimination as part of their football club ethos. It was great to see such diversity being preached in nearly every bar we visited.
Me and Markus stuck together and turned in earlier than everyone else on most of the nights we were there. My counsellor had started to instil an air of selfishness in me in that I had to think about only myself and look after myself properly. I was new to this but having Markus with me meant we wanted the same thing and it made the trip so much more enjoyable.
Whilst I had a really good time in Hamburg, I did have an episode of anxiety where I just wanted to be on my own and felt like I could have stayed in the hotel room for the whole day. I did take some time but being that I was there with Markus helping me along, I didn’t want to let him down. As I was taking some downtime and relaxing my mind was in the same haze it had been in most of the days for the last month whilst I was off. To shake the mist from my mind I decided to have a shower and get ready to go and join the fun.
As I was having a shower, something happened that had never happened to me before; the hotel fire alarm went off. I have never got dressed so quick in all my life!
I had a great time in Hamburg though, and every one of my friends who went knew what I’d been going through and really gave me the space that I needed and completely understood. On previous stag dos they had seen me embrace the drinking culture with both hands and we’d had some great times; this time was different but it was still brilliant. It was actually rather amusing being the one who didn’t have a hangover in the airport whilst everyone else was in the void of feeling grim and the prospect of having to get a plane!
Why I chose these songs:
One of the things we did on the stag was try out the heavy metal bars. A good selection of us enjoyed heavy music and we wanted to hear some loud tunes. There was a bar called Lunacy which was apt and we went in; it was cramped and loud but not fit for a bunch of lads on a stag!
We hopped over the road to another club for which I cant remember the name of; I do however remember hearing My Own Summer (Shove It) and my friend Jimmy going a little daft as I know he really likes it! It was also fun seeing Mick do his ‘thing’ on the dancefloor in a metal bar as a raft of confused German’s looked on. I’m not a massive fan of Deftones but I do really like this tune and it evokes happy memories of hanging out with my friends in metal clubs and bars.
I chose this song by Luder as I spent a lot of time talking politics with Markus whilst we were in Hamburg. It’s a cover of a David Bowie song. America had just sworn in a new president who we were both enthralled by for all the wrong reasons. It was like watching a 90’s disaster flick on the telly with a tyrannical president.
I reviewed Adelphophagia by Luder a few years ago; it’s a great record. You can read my review here if you like.
Side A
Deftones – My Own Summer (Shove It)
Side B
Luder – I’m Afraid of Americans
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